The Conundrum

First off, I'd like to take the time to thank you if you're actually reading this post. I know one should write for the joy of writing and all (and I do), but there's always that fizzy excitement when you know that someone actually reads your posts (especially if you procrastinate studying to write them). Second of all, if I know you in real life and you happen to be reading this, please a) don't feel offended or b) mention it to me ever, because that would just be awkward. I also apologise in advance for my poor phrasing and lack of organisation--my feelings sometimes overwhelm my ability to remain coherent. Last thing before this rather lengthy prologue winds to a halt--please keep in mind that this is a highly subjective post, so it might be a little unfair. Thank you.

I have this thing where, if I happen to be thinking about a particular problem or issue at a certain time, it consumes my whole existence. Literally. I get so caught up in it that it begins to seem like the propelling force behind everything that happened or did not happen throughout my entire life. The current unlucky subject is misanthropy.

Dictionary.com defines misanthropy as "hatred, dislike, or distrust of humankind." Now, if you're following me on Twitter (this might also apply to a select number of individuals who know me in real life), you'll know that I continually complain about fellow members of my species, and how I hate them, distrust them, want them to shut up, etc etc. I think I might have also made the point of them reminding me of everything I hate about myself, which makes me hate them all the more. The truth is, there are a myriad of different reasons behind these claims, as well as a sort of Step-Up-like battle of feelings and thoughts.

The simplest and most obvious question would be: Do I really hate people? Coming to think of it, I guess it would depend on your definition of hate. I'm a pacifist; as a general rule, I don't approve of physical harm, and feel guilty whenever I engage in it in a non-joking way. That doesn't mean that I don't get engulfed in feelings of desire to bring about physical harm; it just means that I know I'll feel like crap if I do, so I don't. I also don't approve of using duaa, or prayer, as a means of hurting someone. I also think it's not mustahab, or advisable, in an Islamic context. Which brings me to the next issue.

I'm a Muslim. I'm far from being an ideal one; however, I do want to be. I know that Islam frowns upon misanthropy; there are many Quranic verses and sayings of the Prophet (PBUH) that declare as much. Despite that, I don't take any steps to eliminate these negative feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not some sort of aggressive nutjob (with all due respect to nutjobs) who goes about blowing up local diners because of the repulsion they feel towards their fellow men. I have friends. I do nice things. I don't go and bash people's faces in. I don't start fights, be they physical or verbal. Thus the argument has led us to the second question: Why do I say that I hate people?

There are so many reasons I don't even know where to start. I think I'll start with the most obvious one: Insecurity. Like everyone else, I have my insecurities. The difference is that I don't know that many people who attempt to eliminate them, which leads to said insecurities becoming magnified. I know what you're probably thinking: Other people weren't put on this planet to wash away your fears, you need to do that yourself, etc etc, and I completely agree. Nevertheless, I am something of a weak person, and little things keep happening that make me feel worse. I won't go into much detail...or, you know what, fuck it. Fuck being cautious. I will go into much detail. I'm not pretty. I don't exactly have the funniest personality, the wittiest humour, the sharpest brain. I don't play sports or have overt artistic tendencies. I am what they call "mediocre"--not the blonde mediocre type you see on American TV whom everyone likes, but the kind they don't show, the kind who gets by but never really lives. I'm the kind of girl you see and don't try to get to know, or if you do, it's only for a few hours, and then poof! You'll never try to keep in contact or see me again. It's not that I'm invisible, per se--people know me, they say hi to me, I get invited to stuff--it's just that, I feel like, to most people, I'm a bystander. An extra. Someone who's there but isn't really central to anything. The number of times I haven't gotten invited to stuff that nearly everyone else running in my social circle has aren't a lot, but they're still more than I care to admit. And what I hate is how my own friends give me awkward glances when that happens, or, even worse, talk about it like it's okay, it's normal, we've all gotten used to it. I know I should have by now. But I haven't.

So I guess that's one reason. The fact that I feel like I continually get rejected has stopped me from trying; I've become hypersensitive to anything that could possibly fill me with that juxtaposed desire to break down and cry while at the same time beating someone the fuck up. I know I'm victimising myself here, but I never said I was perfect, or even remotely close, I just mentioned how people react to my imperfections. 

Another reason is that people genuinely piss me off. I know I can't expect everyone to be like me, but I'm still working on my cope-with-differences strategy. Girls who act dumb, guys who act macho, adults who act like they know it all, people discussing trivial things, people who rank our country's "image" as a thing of greater importance than the number of people actually suffering in it, people who think that equality is dumb; all these are just samples of things I encounter on a near-daily basis which annoy me to great lengths. I also get especially annoyed when I meet someone who reminds me of my own faults. What else? I guess how people sometimes screw up and act like it's my fault, how some people don't live up to the simplest responsibilities they thrust upon themselves, how people sometimes act like the entirety of the human race was created for their convenience, and so on. I also don't like anyone who doesn't like me--childish, I know, but I can't help it.

So where's the conundrum, you might ask? Well, I've already partially mentioned it. I know I'm not being a good Muslim by constantly being so negative. And there are times when I don't want to be so negative; times when it feels like my brain is a Tumblr blog, full of appeals to smile and live life to the fullest and always do good, no matter what. But I just don't know how. How can I constantly do good to people who annoy me, or who reject me? How can I embrace the imperfections of people who never tried to embrace mine? How can I act like certain dogmas don't repulse me? And, most importantly, how can I take chances on people when almost 90% of the people I've met have never taken a chance on me?