Doomed?

Have you ever been through various situations that showed you a characteristic in yourself that you hated? Have you ever tried time and time again to change this hated personality trait and failed? Have you ever broke down, hated yourself for going through the same situation over and over? Have you ever thought, "I'll never change, so I probably shouldn't think I might one day, and accept myself as I am, even if it brings me all the loneliness and sadness in the world?"

Well, that's kind of how it is for me (though maybe not THAT dramatic). You see, as I've explained before, I am a 100% unsociable person. I do not know talk to new people or have fun with them. I don't know what to say. I am always worried about what they'll think or say about me. So I end up avoiding new people and being quiet if I'm forced to be in their company.

After many trials to find out why that is (my mother says she hugged me plenty as a baby, so no, it's not that), I discovered that it's probably down to two things:

a) Fear of embarrassment: Like I said, I'm always worried about what people will think of me, my appearance, personality, hair, etc. I'm an extremely self-conscious person. I am also paranoid. Which is why I sometimes find it difficult to look people in the eyes. I also blush. I must be terminated.

b) Never really having had to make friends: Let me explain that one. I used to go to a certain school from Nursery till Grade 2, so all my friends were ready-made. And then in Grade 3, I went to another school, and after two weeks of being pathetically alone, two girls came and introduced themselves. So I didn't really ever practice making friends. Maybe that's why I am the way I am now?

All I know is that next year I might go to a different branch of the same school. What if none of my friends go with me? Even if it doesn't happen next year, it's bound to one day. I need to learn to start being a sociable person now, before it's too late and I find myself an old woman living all alone, without even having cats because I'm scared of them (you're probably rolling on the floor laughing now, aren't you? Whatever, I deserve it).